Get. Me. Out. of. Here.

I'm so freaking ready for this semester to be over.

First, I need a mental break. This semester has been extremely trying and I have been stretched wayyy too thin. With academics and extracurriculars consuming all my time, it's amazing how I've made it through. I thank God.

As for the roommate situation that I meant to blog about before...it's not any better. People were too right when they said "don't room with your friends". Last year, we were "best friends"...now I can barely stand her! I just wanna punch/slap her or just say "shut up" 75% of the time she's around me. Part of the reason I applied to be a RA is because I didn't wanna be forced to room with her again. Is that bad?

She does alot of stupid things. And I feel like she's too simple to realize that what she does is really dumb. I say simple because she's not an idiot, but she is only "book-smart". She has been sheltered her entire life. It's actually quite sad. She has never been exposed to ANYTHING. Being around the same 25 people your whole life shouldn't even be allowed. That can't be healthy. At All. There is one thing to be sheltered, an entire other to just not know anything about anything outside of the box you've been living in.

I don't expect everyone to know what I know. I'm probably the most Unsheltered college student I know. My parents let my siblings and I know all that was going on in our house. At the time, I wished that they wouldn't tell us so much...that they would sugarcoat issues and situations like my friends' parents did. But they didn't. And I know.

Get. Me. Out. of. Here.

I'm back earlier than I thought I'd be.

I don't know how to deal with death. Plain and simple. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. On November 20, 2010, two young ladies at my school died in a car accident. I knew one of them. Bre was my Resident Advisor my freshman year. She and I were never really close, but I knew her enough to be impacted when she died.

I tear up when i think of either of them, but...I never really cry. When I heard the news, it was almost like I was forcing myself to cry and be sad. I try not to think about the tragedy or the fact that what happened to them could happen to anybody, but...I get sad when I let my mind drift there.

Again...be back later.

Too Much To Say..

I haven't posted here in about a year. I have too much to say.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't who I was. I've always been the strong person in my group of friends. The one who works the hardest, the one that is always busy, the over-achiever. I'm always the one that shows little-to-no emotions. I never show my weaknesses...I'm afraid to. I wonder where this fear comes from. Maybe because I'm the youngest in my family and I've always had to be strong and competent in order to be around my older siblings. Maybe because I'm usually the youngest and most mature of all my friends...and I don't want to lose their respect. What is it?

I keep so much bottled up. Nobody knows everything. My sister is my best friend...but sometimes I feel like I can't even tell her everything. There is always that chance that she will judge me for whatever I tell her.

I'm mentally exhausted. I'm tired of hiding my weaknesses. I wish I was sheltered like some people I know. I wish i was simple-minded like many people I know. But that isn't so. The person my environment has forced me to be is strong, tough, busy, popular, a scholar....Why can't I be different?

I hope there's no limit for this post.

The character and facade that I have "built" seems to be crashing down on me. It's like I'm screaming but nobody can hear me. Can anybody see my pain? No...I guess not.

It seems that whenever I'm happy now, it's a temporary distraction from how I really feel. It never actually feels genuine.

Music seems to be my only release. When I listen to music, my mood mimics what I am listening to. Well actually, make that music and dancing. I dance to forget what else is going on in my life. I dance uninhibited, with no choreography...just dance.

I wish I didn't have to worry about money, about being fat, about whether I'm pretty...about anything. I may exude confidence...but it's not real. I have practiced this act over and over again. I may look like I have it all together, but...I really don't. They say practice makes perfect. "They" were not lying. Can you tell I'm broken?

Speaking of broken..."they" also say that "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." Well what if people just can't tell that I'm broken? Should I alert them so they will be aware of my brokenness? Will they even believe me? Probably not. Whenever I try to express a fear or a concern to those around me...they don't listen. That speaks to what I said earlier about me always being the "rock" for those around me. People are so used to be not showing those types of emotions that when I do...they don't think it's real. What am I to do?

Ok, I think that's enough for now. Be back later.

WEIGHT UPDATE!!

Hey everybody!!

Ok, so since my last post, I have lost 5 pounds! Now, that may not seem like much to some people, but to me it is HUGE! I weigh in again tomorrow, so I will be back with another update then! Love you...MUAH!

~NaturalNubia

What I Need From You Is Understanding

Dear VickeeMO,
I have a question for you. Do you think that by publicly humiliating me and calling me an elephant is the right way to go about letting me know that I need to lose weight? I don't think so. For the last decade it seems all I've ever heard from you was "You need to slim down." "Lose weight" "You're spreading like wildfire" and things of that nature. What 8 yr old do you know who wants to hear that? 10 yr old? How about 16 yr old? No person ever wants to hear that, irregardless of age or size.
Seems like I could never please you, no matter what I did. I made perfect grades, but I was still fat. I was the youth everyone respected at church, but to you, smarts and personality were the only things I had going for me because nobody wants to hang around or date a fat girl. You've called me unattractive, you've said that no man would want me, always say that I was so pretty/cute/beautiful when I was younger and much thinner. What does telling me "I wish that pretty girl would come back" or "What happened to that thin child I knew?" accomplish? I'll tell you what it accomplishes: KILLING ME INSIDE. It's because of you that I lack confidence in the way I look everytime I step out of my room. Aren't mothers supposed to support their children? Help them, nurture them, and guide them? NO, you HINDER, MALNOURISH, and FORCE. For so many years, I have been so self-conscious because everytime you look at me, this look of disgust comes over your face, telling me and anyone who can see just what you think of me. You ever wonder why and how I gain weight? No. Ever thought of talking to me, in a normal conversation, about how I can lose it? Nope.

VickeeMO, what I need from you is understanding.

~NaturalNubia

Shopaholic...or Super Savvy Shopper??

Well Hello There!! [Wendy Williams voice] How you doin? :D


LOL, ok so I consider myself a true, expert bargain shopper. Let me explain why I say this. I subscribe to coupon emailing lists for stores I like to shop at, I am a member of sale alert websites, I don't mind looking through every single clearance rack at a store, and I know how to manipulate the seasonal fashion cycle to get the best deal possible on clothes and shoes that I want. My friends have this theory that I am a shopaholic, but I do not consider myself one, because I do not buy what I cannot afford, shopping does not "trump" everything else in my life, I do not use money that is designated to important things like books, health, bills, and groceries in order to finance my shopping habit. I just know how to get the BIGGEST BANG for each and EVERY BUCK I choose to spend on clothing, shoes, and accesories.

How do I do this? Here are some tips/techniques I have on

HOW-TO SHOP EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY:

1. Shopping starts at home. You can begin this process in the comfort of your sweatpants and oversized t-shirt. I am on so many stores' mailing lists. I get emails everyday about sales, sometimes with coupons. On the home webpage of stores that I like to shop in, there is usually a link for a weekly ad/promotion(Target, Walmart-DON'T SLEEP ON WALLY WORLD), or just browse the website and find sales on the website(Charlotte Russe, Rue21, Forever21, Express, NY&Company, Rack Room Shoes, Payless). This helps you know where to go in order to find what you want at an amazingly good price without having to go from store to store with the possibility of disappointment. Personally, it is very discouraging when I go from store to store and don't find what I want anywhere. If you start your shopping journey at home, on the web, where you can comfortably browse, you will appreciate it. It saves gas and time, and when gas is $3/gallon, who wouldnt want to??

2. ONLINE ONLY DEALS! I cannot count how many times I have found un-promoted sales online when I was just casually searching! Online, stores may display items that might be limited supply or have been pulled from stores at a very low price!! I get so excited when I see these! They tend to go quickly, especially if it is an extremely cute piece. Now, if you aren't comfortable with shopping online because of sizing and fit, then you may need to shop only on store sites that you feel comfortable/familiar with. I usually check my favorite store sites a couple times a week, just to see what is on sale, and I might find some, I may not. CHECK ANYWAY! It never hurts to look!

3. The single biggest mistake I see people make when it comes to in-store shopping is getting stuck at the front of the store. Think about the front of any select mall store. Colorful, new, sometimes expensive items are placed strategically at the entrance of a store in order to draw potential customers into the store. The dressed mannequins, the cute shoe displays, or just a HUGE SIGN ON THE WINDOW can capture and keep a person's interest. What do I do? I walk right past those pretty displays and straight towards the back of the store, which is where the sale/clearance racks usually are. These racks are usually stuffed with clothing as shoes just as cute as the clothing showcased in the front of the store. It will be hard at first. Because I am an experienced bargain shopper, I have developed a certain "callous" to the marketing strategies of retail stores. Go to the back of the store! You will find TREASURES! Now, I will warn you...YOU MUST LOOK THROUGH THE RACKS! The sales will not just reveal themselves to you! This search requires patience and determination. You can do it! I believe in you! LOL

4. COUPONS-COUPONS-COUPONS, PROMOTION CODES-PROMOTION CODES-PROMOTION CODES!! I cannot stress the aforementioned enough! Some people have abandoned using coupons because they do not know where to find them and don't feel like looking for them. Trust me, looking for them online, in newspapers, ANYWHERE...it will be worth it! Take, for example, a pair of jeans I bought online. Not only did the store email me a subscriber-only promo code, but i googled coupon/promo codes for the store and found one for an EXTRA 15% off! See what a bit of searching can do? ABSOLUTELY WORTH IT! :D

Everybody cannot follow all or any of these tips. Everyone cannot be a bargain shopper. And you know what...THAT IS OK! If you don't have the patience or the time to do all that I do, then find WHAT WORKS FOR YOU! That's all that matters...YOU! Well these are the tips that I can think of right now, but if I think of any more I'll be sure to do another post on it!

HAPPY SHOPPING!!
~NaturalNubia :D <3

Things Are Looking Up... I Think?

In January of this year, I told myself that I wanted to be down about 40-50 lbs by the end of the semester(May). I did all the math and all the planning, too. Knowing that i had about 17 weeks to accomplish this goal, i told myself that I needed to lose about 2-3 lbs per week. Needless to say, this hasn't happened. I got off track with my eating and workout plan, and before I knew it, I had gained back what I lost and more. It seems as though I was looking too far ahead and not being realistic with myself. The weight goals set made me feel like a failure when I slipped up, and I slipped up 1 too many times. I've tried buying clothes too small on purpose in order to motvate myself to get down small enough to fit into it. Even being accountable to others didn't work. I find myself trying to avoid conversation about weight and food because I don't want to discuss my weight loss(or lack there of). It is slightly depressing because I know that it is possible to lose the weight, I just feel like I don't have the will to do the work and endure the sacrifice that comes along with the process.

Lately, I have increasingly become envious of my friends because they have tiny waists, toned arms, are able to wear shorts and skirts comfortably...while I do not/am not. It isn't anybody's fault but mine that I am unable to have bodies like theirs and wear clothes and enjoy food like they do. I'm not ignorant enough to say something like "I'm supposed to be like this, some people's bodies are just different,". I know that when I got to college, I gained the freshman 15-20 because I was in awe of the availability food whenever I felt like stuffing my face. Food court open all the time, a student store filled with junk food, soft drinks and sweets at my disposal...I was in HEAVEN! All the things that I wasn't allowed or able to eat at home...I could have as much as I like...and nobody could tell me otherwise!

Now, before I got to college, I was never a small girl. Seems like I've always had a problem with my weight. I always felt like the chubby kid...or the "ugly fat friend" in a group of girls in high school. I would have ups and downs with weight loss and gain. Most of the time the ups and downs were unintentional, brought on by stress, change of the seasons, start of an athletic season, etc. I don't really have those things to help me maintain my weight now. But...things might be looking up...MAYBE.

Every Tuesday for the last 5 weeks, I've attended a voluntary nutrition/diet class. I have lost about 6lbs since the start of the class and I truly am happy about that, because 6 is better than nothing...right? Now I know that part of the reason there isn't more loss is the fact that my workout routine is SEVERELY LACKING. In the last 3 weeks, I have worked out an average of 1 day a week. I read something online about setting small, reachable goals instead of long, broad weight loss goals. Maybe I should try that! The nutrition/diet class only has two more meetings left, so for the next 2 weeks I will set a goal of a 1-2 lb loss by each Tuesday class. That way, I will have the joy of seeing lower numbers on the scale at the meeting AND lose at a healthy, maintainable rate. Yea, I like that! Sounds like a plan! :D

My weight loss journey continues...

~NaturalNubia