Sometimes I wish I wasn't who I was. I've always been the strong person in my group of friends. The one who works the hardest, the one that is always busy, the over-achiever. I'm always the one that shows little-to-no emotions. I never show my weaknesses...I'm afraid to. I wonder where this fear comes from. Maybe because I'm the youngest in my family and I've always had to be strong and competent in order to be around my older siblings. Maybe because I'm usually the youngest and most mature of all my friends...and I don't want to lose their respect. What is it?
I keep so much bottled up. Nobody knows everything. My sister is my best friend...but sometimes I feel like I can't even tell her everything. There is always that chance that she will judge me for whatever I tell her.
I'm mentally exhausted. I'm tired of hiding my weaknesses. I wish I was sheltered like some people I know. I wish i was simple-minded like many people I know. But that isn't so. The person my environment has forced me to be is strong, tough, busy, popular, a scholar....Why can't I be different?
I hope there's no limit for this post.
The character and facade that I have "built" seems to be crashing down on me. It's like I'm screaming but nobody can hear me. Can anybody see my pain? No...I guess not.
It seems that whenever I'm happy now, it's a temporary distraction from how I really feel. It never actually feels genuine.
Music seems to be my only release. When I listen to music, my mood mimics what I am listening to. Well actually, make that music and dancing. I dance to forget what else is going on in my life. I dance uninhibited, with no choreography...just dance.
I wish I didn't have to worry about money, about being fat, about whether I'm pretty...about anything. I may exude confidence...but it's not real. I have practiced this act over and over again. I may look like I have it all together, but...I really don't. They say practice makes perfect. "They" were not lying. Can you tell I'm broken?
Speaking of broken..."they" also say that "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." Well what if people just can't tell that I'm broken? Should I alert them so they will be aware of my brokenness? Will they even believe me? Probably not. Whenever I try to express a fear or a concern to those around me...they don't listen. That speaks to what I said earlier about me always being the "rock" for those around me. People are so used to be not showing those types of emotions that when I do...they don't think it's real. What am I to do?
Ok, I think that's enough for now. Be back later.
No comments:
Post a Comment